Upset....
I have absolutely no idea why i am feeling this way. Or maybe i do know. I am feeling so confused right now. Sometimes, you tell others what you expect of them and they do as expected but they somehow have to add in some lines which kind of hints of unwillingness. Like for example, telling you not to say that they never do certain things.
Sigh. Am i that hard to please?
Telling me not to say that is akin to telling me that you are actually not willing to but due to certain reasons, you do it. Alot of people do things unwillingly. Even me. But what makes the difference and what makes others happy when one does what others say is that one does not say anything about carrying out the task. Maybe that is why most of the time i am able to make others happy. And what goes around, comes around. I am happy that i am able to make others happy. But of course there are some exceptions. Then again, this may just apply to me.
I do not know. Does one not feel happy when they are able to make others happy?
Today, i watched drama on the tv. Took the opportunity to let my tears fall when appropriate. Maybe i am stressed. Maybe i am just tired from work. Maybe i am depressed. No one knows. Not even myself.
Anyway, it is not that i am unhappy even if others do what i tell them to. It just makes me wonder. Is it because of what i said that is why they do it? If it is so, then are they just too lazy to do it or they just simply forgot? Either way, are they taking me for a push over? If none of the above are true, and that they are just trying to make me happy, why tell me not to say that they never do certain things? Just a joke? I am sorry, but it did not appear so to me.
I am someone with deep complexities. I was taught to think. To be wary of others. Maybe i think too much. But this is the way i am. This is the way that i protect myself. A long time ago, i had hurt myself once by not thinking and reading into things. One learns through life experiences and that experience is one which i will never forget.
I am feeling so much better after letting it out and am clearly aware that i had hurt certain people in the process. But i sincerely hope that they will understand me better and maybe learn something from what i had said.
Disclaimer
This post does not serve the purpose of hurting anyone.
-iWrote 9/05/2007 04:02:00 PM
.....i feel like swearing..
I am so sick and tired of people who keep passing their judgements on me. One moment, they say that i am swanky, the next i am too friendly that i do not show enough respect to them. Then there are others that do not come from my work place. Example? People always LOVE to say that i am proud. Then, they say that i am nice. Oh..COME ON!!!! How is it possible for me to be proud and nice, swanky and friendly, or even friendly but yet so respectful that i treat you as if you are some kind of god. Do you think that i am schizophenic?
Firstly, at work, everyone is my colleague. The rank is there so that everything can run smoothly. Everyone having their own job scope. Like the wheels in an analoge watch. Some are bigger than others and some are very very tiny but none more important than the other. A stressful environment is not a condusive work environment. So, what so wrong about me being friendly and able to see pass the difference in ranks and personnel numbers? What is so wrong about me creating a condusive work environment for myself? Separating truthfulness/straightfowardness and being disrespectful is only a thin line.
Secondly, at home, you are either my friend or my foe. If you are my foe, i would not even be talking to you. So, if you are my friend, i will definitely be frank and truthful in every thing that i say. I will not mince my words. Like it or not, this is the way i am. The difference between being frank and proud is only a thin line.
Everything depends on how one perceives it. So you are asking. Why am i so mad? If you do not like me, do not go around washing other people's mind into thinking the way that you are thinking. If you are my friend, then you should know what i am like. If you do not, then you are not my friend. And, IF you believe that i treat you as my friend, then accept me the way i am. Do NOT try to change me or say that i have changed.
Do NOT f***ing judge me!!!
-iWrote 9/04/2007 09:31:00 PM